


Those messy regrets

by TaeSivan



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous Narrator, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Drinking, Emotional Hurt, Hurt, I explain there, Implied/Referenced Cheating, It's hard to explain..., M/M, Post-Break Up, Read the notes at the beggining, ambiguous pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:26:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28901106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaeSivan/pseuds/TaeSivan
Summary: "Funny how I said I would forget and replace you in a matter of days. Funny how I said I would never regret what I did.And now here I am.Months later, turning over in the bed we used to share, unable to sleep, missing you more than I ever thought it could be possible".
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Lee Taeyong
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. Regrets

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone  
> So this fic has a concept that I actually kinda wanted to do for a while.  
> Before you read, I will try to explain:  
> I wanted to write this specific Jaeyong fic (well, guess it doesn't have to be specifically Jaeyong, but whatever) where they were in a relationship and broke up because of cheating. But who cheated? Who is hurt? Well, that is up for interpretation.
> 
> I hope that made sense... If it doesn't, then I guess my concept is kinda shit osouaduogfu 
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoy the fic.

It's half past one in the morning.

I can't stop turning over in that cold bed.

I miss your warmth in bed.

I miss your warmth beside me.

I miss going to bed with you by my side.

I miss waking up and knowing you’ll be there.

I just miss you.

It's funny how life works sometimes. How life made me pay for my words.

Funny how I said I would forget and replace you in a matter of days. Funny how I said I would never regret what I did.

And now here I am.

Months later, turning over in the bed we used to share, unable to sleep, missing you more than I ever thought it could be possible.

Forget you? I tried.

All the empty bottles of wine and whiskey I drank while thinking about you are there as proof, to remind myself that I will never be able to forget you.

Replace you? I couldn’t do it. Nobody had your warmth, nobody touched me like you, nobody made me feel like you did. Nobody was you.

Did I regret it? Yes. I never regretted something so much in my life. I regretted exchanging you for just anybody.

And I couldn’t even say that it was a heat-of-the-moment kind of thing, that I let myself get carried away by the alcohol, and that this would never happen ever again.

I talked to him for days before I let myself go, I could have said ‘no’ whenever I wanted to, but I didn't.

I hadn't drunk anything when I took him to bed. Because I wanted to remember that moment.  


But it didn't matter whether I was going to forget that first time or not. Because there were several others after that.

But even so, I remember them all.

Not because they were memorable, they weren’t.

But because of all the fights that followed.

When I would get home later than usual, with the smell of someone else on my body.  


I remember every tear I made you shed. I regret every single one of them.

At times like this, when I'm alone in bed and longing to be in your arms, I wish I could go back in time.

I wish I said no to his advances.

Denied sleeping with him and coming home to you. 

I wish I had confessed how stupid I was. That I would’ve dried your disappointed tears instead of just watching them fall. That I would have embraced you and begged for forgiveness. That I had stopped you from leaving.

That I didn't make you suffer even more.

That I haven’t rubbed in your face about how much more he satisfied me. Haven't told you to do whatever you wanted to. Didn't tell you that you were easily replaceable. I shouldn’t have let you go.

But time doesn't turn back.

You still hate me and you probably always will. As you should.

You still suffered because of me and I can't change that.

Your tears have still fallen and there is no turning back that.

I still cheated on you. 

I still let you go.

And without even saying that I loved you.

That I still love.

And that is my biggest regret.

I'm sorry, you deserved someone better.

I regret everything I put you through.

But at the same time, I would do it all again.

I would live all the good times again. I would live every laugh, every kiss, every night of love, every single second that made you happy again.

And this time I would not be carried away by a silly temptation and a crisis in our relationship. I wouldn't let myself be allured by pretty words.

This time I would do everything the same, but with a completely different ending.  


But really, time doesn't turn back. And I can't go back.

But, damn it, I really regret it.

And every time I remember the disappointment in his eyes when he caught us at that cheap motel, I regret it even more.

Every time I remember you packing your bags while trying to hold your muffled cries, I regret it more.

And I think I will always regret it.

And now all I have to say is: You were right, I do want you back.

You were right, no one is like you. 

You were right, I haven't forgotten you. And I don’t think I ever will.

You were right. It was not worth it. Throwing everything we had away was not worth it. 

Exchanging your smiles for his moans was not worth it.

And I regretted everything I did so much.

But now it's too late to go back.

And now I know how bitter regret tastes.

Almost as bitter as losing you.


	2. Mess

I'm a mess without you here.

I don't sleep, I don't eat, I don't smile ... I'm not happy.

Without you here I am turned inside out, completely destroyed.

Every night I look for an embrace that feels like yours, but none is as welcoming as yours used to be.

No kiss is as sweet, no laugh is as beautiful, no touch is as breathtaking.

But I should have seen that coming... They are not you.

Since I left you, I have become a mess that I hate.

Who seeks love in the arms of strangers, who drinks until their consciousness is lost, and cries every night until there are no more tears left to fall.

Since I left, I have become an unrecognizable mess.

And I'm blaming you for that.

Why did you have to ruin everything?

Why did you have to destroy me?

We were so happy. Why would you do that?

And you know what's worse?

Is that you are a liar, that destroyed my heart. Who betrayed my trust, hurt me, and ruined everything good that I had in my life... But even so, I still want to forgive you.

How stupid am I?

But it's not my fault, it's yours.

You are the one who fixed the mess I was in the first place. You were the one who taught me to smile again, how to trust again - ironic, isn't it? - who taught me how to love you.

You are a horrible person.

It was not enough to have destroyed me slowly, night by night, getting home with the smell and marks of another on your skin.

It was not enough to let the motel bills in plain sight and not made any excuses - if you had, I might have tried to ignore it even with the truth lying in front of me.

It wasn't enough to have you caught with him - your best friend, of all people, the one you said that I shouldn’t worry about - in that bed, in some cheap motel.

You still had to rub it in my face.

You just had to say how much better he was, how much you hated what we had become and how much you couldn't take it anymore.

You had to watch me pack and not try to stop me.

You just had to have said that you would never regret what you did - I'm sure it's true. I’m sure you didn’t. I’m sure he and you are happy now. While I’m here, crying for you.

You just had to mess me up again, hadn’t you?

You’re just are a horrible person.

And I'm an even worse person for wishing that you go through everything I went through these last few months.

I, from the bottom of my heart, wish you’ll be as destroyed by someone in the future as I was by you on that day.

I wish they will make you suffer just like you did me.

May they make you seek his love incessantly in other arms just as I am doing now.

May they make you drink until the pain is gone temporarily and cry for nights on end.

May they remind you of all the good that you have lived and realize that it was all a big lie and that it all ended because of something ephemeral like sex.

I wish that you find someone who messes you up just like you messed me up.

Someone who makes you feel like crap because, after all of this, after they make you go through hell, you still want them in the same way.

I'm a mess without you, and, God, I hate you for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic
> 
> Please let me know who do you think that is narrating each chapter and why. I would love to hear your theories.

**Author's Note:**

> So, did you like it? 
> 
> Who do you think cheated?
> 
> Next chapter (its already written, don't worry) is coming out tomorrow with the POV of the other person.
> 
> I won't be revealing names though, so you can make your bets on who did what.


End file.
